To Each Her Own Read online

  “I did admit I might be wrong.”

  Luis raised a censuring brow. “Might be?”

  Jay tightened his mouth. Luis's nitpicking was annoying. “I apologized to her—more than once—but she barely gives me the time of day.”

  “Well, you can't blame her there. What you said about devs that day was pretty harsh. Maybe she needs more time to get over it.”

  “It's been two months,” Jay pointed out.

  Luis shook his head. “It's a painful subject for her, one she was trying to work through. I'm sure your tirade didn't help. It's not like she asked to be a dev. It's something she's really struggled with. A lot of them do.”

  Jay was about to take a sip of Coke, but Luis's comment made him pause. It had never occurred to him that being a dev wasn't a choice.

  “You should give her a chance, Jay. Find out what devoteeism is really all about. It's not what you think.”

  Jay shook his head. “I don't know. It's not my thing.”

  “Why? How do you know it's not your thing until you get to know one of them? You've been injured a long time. I would think you would have accepted the way you are by now.”

  Jay stiffened. “I have. And what does that have to do with anything?”

  Luis tilted his head. “Because if you were comfortable in your own skin, devs wouldn't disgust you so much. Maybe you're projecting your own hang-ups onto them.”

  “Cut the shrink bullshit, Garza. I've learned to live with my injury.”

  “Then prove it,” Luis challenged. “Get to know her.”

  Jay was tempted, despite his misgivings. “You wouldn't care? I thought you were into her. You had sex with her.”

  Regret crossed Luis's features. “Yes, and I'm stupid for screwing that up, but, as you know, she won't talk to me or return my messages. She's made it clear she's no longer interested, and I can't say I don't deserve that. She heard me say some shitty things. I've definitely burned that bridge.” He looked up. “Besides, I've moved on.”

  At Jay's cynical snort, Luis smiled. “Hey. This hunk of burnin' love is in big demand, my friend. I've got several irons in the fire. There’s one I particularly like who lives in Chicago.”

  “That's kind of far away, don't you think?” Jay took a sip of his Coke.

  “That's what planes are for.”

  Jay sat back in his chair and smiled. “Bro, if you can afford a long-distance relationship, I need a raise.”

  Luis answered with a smirk that said, In your dreams.

  Jay steered their conversation back to the subject of his elusive roommate. “You got to know Erin pretty well, didn't you?”

  Luis nodded. “Yeah. We chatted a lot on the dev website and then through e-mail.”

  An idea started to form in Jay's mind. “Does she still post on there?”

  “She hasn't commented on anything lately, but I've noticed she's been signed in. She's still lurking, even if she doesn't actively participate.”

  Jay ran his index finger and thumb over the stubble on his chin. “Interesting. She told me she wasn't doing the dev thing anymore, that it was just an experiment.”

  Luis frowned. “I gotta say, I don't believe that. Not from the things she told me. And why would she still be lurking on the message board?”

  “What's her username?”

  Luis shook his head. “I'm not giving you that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because anonymity is what makes the site work. It's what makes the users more honest. Devoteeism is taboo. It’s something some people on the site don't want anyone in their regular lives to know about. Erin only told me her real name after weeks of some pretty intense chats, after we agreed to meet in person. It's hard to build that kind of trust. I already did enough damage to her. I'm not going to sell her out on top of everything else.”

  Jay wiped his mouth with his napkin and dropped it on the table. “Oh, come on, Luis. It's not like you don't know me. I'm not some psycho, and I already live with the girl. I just want to know more about her. If she opened up to you on the site, maybe she would do the same with me.”

  Luis narrowed his eyes. “You're not going to tell her who you are? You're going to hide behind a username?”

  “Well, yeah,” said Jay. “How else would I do it?” He leaned toward Luis to reiterate. “Like I said, she won't give me the time of day. No matter how many times I apologize, she's never gonna let it go. She's stubborn.”

  Luis looked far from convinced.

  “I just need a way to get close to her,” said Jay.

  “No.”

  “No?” said Jay, exasperated. “Come on, Garza!”

  “It's lying. It's misleading her. Find another way to get her to talk to you. What happens when she finds out?”

  “I haven't gotten that far yet. Maybe she won't ever find out.”

  “Nope. It's a very bad idea.”

  Jay took one last sip of his Coke. Luis might be right, but Jay was out of ideas. “Look, I just want to see if we have anything in common, and you said yourself I should find out what devoteeism is really about. This way Erin and I can get to know each other without her believing I think she's a perv. Once she sees I'm not such a bad guy, I'll come clean, I'll tell her it's me—if it ever even gets that far.”

  Luis was silent for a long time, mulling it over. Then he spoke with less conviction. “It's still a bad idea.”

  “But you'll tell me?”

  “She's going to think you're an asshole when she finds out,” Luis warned.

  “She already thinks I'm an asshole. I've got nothing to lose.”

  “Don't hurt her,” Luis said sternly. “Some of the wheelers on the site have no respect for the devs. They're just on there to yank their chains.”

  Jay held up his hands in surrender. “That's the last thing I want to do,” he said, and he meant it.

  Luis let out a long, put-upon sigh. “It's 'emanomaly.'”

  Jay grinned. “Can you spell that?”

  Chapter 9

  For the hundredth time, Jay's gaze drifted to Erin, who was sitting on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, watching TV and idly scratching Chopper between his ears. She looked hot, as usual.

  She had on a charcoal gray concert T-shirt from some band he'd never heard of and jeans with a few subtle rips in them. One foot was bare, one was still in a cast, and her toes were painted a dark blue. Every sip from her mug of tea called attention to her wide, sensual mouth. The light from the lamp beside her brought out faint red highlights in her dark brown hair, which cascaded in layers that framed her face.

  Jay couldn't believe she was actually sitting there in the flesh. It was like spotting some rare animal on an African safari. The TV in her room had crapped out, so he figured that was the only reason he was graced with her presence. He thought about offering to take a look at her TV, knowing she couldn't afford to have it fixed or replace it¸ but decided to keep his technical skills to himself for the time being. He knew he was a selfish bastard, but he liked the view of her and didn't want to give her a reason to disappear back into her room.

  She turned her head a bit, like she sensed his surveillance, and he dropped his eyes back to his laptop screen. He felt her stare at him for a second and raised his eyes. She quickly looked away.

  He smiled to himself. She wasn't as indifferent to him as she made out to be.

  He'd been lurking on the dev website when he had time, ever since his conversation with Luis, reading over any posts he could find from Erin, or “emanomaly.” None of them were recent, but he'd found a few older threads where she'd commented, and he'd used one of those as an opening to send her a private message. To his surprise, she'd replied right away.

  They'd tossed a few short messages back and forth, and eventually he'd gotten her to give him an e-mail address so they could instant message each other. He'd set up an anonymous e-mail address just for that purpose. It would be faster than the private messaging provided by the dev website.
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br />   Sometimes Jay's conscience came into play, but he kept telling himself that even though technically he was deceiving her, really what he was doing was pretty harmless and probably wouldn't amount to anything. He'd chosen the username “Panhead,” after his bike, a vintage 1951 Harley-Davidson Panhead. There was a small chance he was risking discovery, since Erin knew he had a bike, but she'd shown zero interest in it. He didn't think she would make the connection. She'd never said anything to indicate she was a Harley enthusiast.

  The clock on his laptop said it was almost the time they'd designated for their chat. When Erin suddenly flicked the TV off and grabbed her crutches, Jay's pulse sped up. She got to her feet and crutched down the hall, leaving a forlorn Chopper in her wake.

  Chopper padded over to Jay and nudged Jay's knee with his muzzle. Jay couldn't feel it, but he saw it, and he scratched the dog's large, prehistoric-looking black head. “Oh, I see how you are.” He grinned. “Now that the hottie's gone, I get sloppy seconds, huh?”

  Chopper wagged his tail and licked Jay's hand. Jay smiled and massaged Chopper's barrel chest with his knuckles.

  Thinking Erin should have had enough time to log on to her computer, Jay entered her e-mail into the IM address box and started typing a message.

  Panhead: You there?

  emanomaly: Yep. Hi.

  Panhead: Hi.

  emanomaly: What's up?

  Panhead: Not much. Just working.

  emanomaly: What is your work?

  Jay thought for a second. He didn't want to tell her too much because he didn't want her to figure out who she was really talking to, but he didn't want to lie if he could help it.

  Panhead: I'm in the restaurant business.

  He winced. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either. He provided technical support for restaurants when their touchscreen computer systems went down.

  emanomaly: Really? Me, too. I'm a barmaid, as sad as that is.

  Panhead: Why is that sad?

  emanomaly: Just that I haven't done much with my life.

  Panhead: Hmm. How old are you?

  emanomaly: Didn't anyone ever tell you it's not polite to ask a girl that question?

  Panhead: Well, that's a relief. I wasn't sure you were a girl.

  emanomaly: Ha. Yes. But let's get something straight. I am NOT interested in a hookup.

  Panhead: Me either. Just trying to see what the dev thing is all about.

  Jay was afraid he might have lost her when there was a long pause, but then she started typing again.

  emanomaly: How long have you been injured?

  Panhead: Didn't anyone ever tell you it's not polite to ask a cripple that question?

  emanomaly: 26.

  Panhead: Huh?

  emanomaly: That's how old I am.

  Jay’s brows rose. That was already more personal information than he'd gotten from her in weeks. He hesitated to tell her how long he'd been injured, but he couldn't remember ever telling her before, so he decided it wouldn't give anything away.

  Panhead: I've been injured 8 years. And in case you're wondering, I'm 29.

  emanomaly: Then you've been injured long enough to know about devs.

  Panhead: True. Actually, I first heard about devs in rehab.

  emanomaly: And you're just now getting curious?

  Panhead: Let's just say I'm more open-minded than I used to be.

  emanomaly: Ah. You want to get laid.

  Panhead: No. I'm not that kind of guy.

  emanomaly: Ha. Right. All guys are that kind of guy.

  Panhead: Ouch. That’s a bit cynical.

  emanomaly: I speak from experience.

  Jay didn't like the implication of that, but he didn't want to analyze it too closely.

  Panhead: OK. Since we're being honest, like you said, I'm curious.

  emanomaly: What do you want to know?

  Panhead: Everything. I want to know what makes you tick.

  emanomaly: I'm not a clock.

  Panhead: How do you even know you're a dev?

  Another long pause.

  Panhead: You still there?

  emanomaly: I'm here. I'm just trying to think of the best way to answer.

  Panhead: Oh.

  emanomaly: Ever since I can remember, even when I was little, I've always had a reaction whenever I saw a disabled person, a fascination and an attraction. I'm attracted to all different kinds of disability, but I find men with SCI the most attractive. Don't ask me why. I just do. I didn't realize I was a dev until I stumbled onto the dev website and saw there was a name for what I was.

  Jay sat back in his chair and did a small wheelie, pondering that. This time he was the one who took a long time to respond, so she typed a question.

  emanomaly: Are you freaked out now?

  Panhead: No. Still just trying to understand.

  emanomaly: Maybe this will make it clearer: I'm also attracted to men with dark hair, musicians (especially drummers), guys with a sense of humor, guys who are tall, guys who are intelligent, and guys with Australian accents. Not that I meet a lot of Australians where I live, but I wish I did. Chris Hemsworth? Yummy.

  Jay smiled. It was such a normal chick thing to say.

  emanomaly: My interest is piqued when I meet an able-bodied guy with those traits, the same as it is when I meet a wheeler. The disability is just another physical trait to me, like eye or hair color, although, I admit, I think I feel a stronger attraction to a wheeler. Maybe just because I don't see that many around, so it's a big deal when I do. Does that make sense?

  Jay still wasn't sure it did. When he again took a long time to answer, Erin added another question.

  emanomaly: Do you like it when people treat you differently, feel sorry for you?

  Anger shot through him. That one was easy to answer. It was one of the worst things about his injury, being treated differently, being pitied. He was the same man he was before he was paralyzed, but now everyone saw the wheelchair first.

  Panhead: No. I hate it.

  emanomaly: Well, then why is it disturbing that I would see you as a man and not as an object of pity? It's a shitty fact that a lot of able-bodied people—ABs—see you as weak because of your disability. They may even see you as someone who is like a child, someone who needs to be protected and coddled, someone who is no longer a sexual being. That is one reason, I think, why devoteeism is often seen as something sick. But a dev wouldn't view you that way. When I see a wheeler, or anyone with a disability for that matter, all I see is ability—an incredible ability to adapt and a strong will to overcome adversity. That is admirable and extremely attractive, especially in someone who has accepted his disability and moved on with his life. I know all the stuff you guys have to deal with, the pain and other things. Believe me, if I could find a cure for SCI, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't get off on seeing you in pain—physical or mental—but I admire the class, dignity, and humor with which you deal with it. In my eyes, that is very sexy.

  Panhead: But the fact still remains that my body is fucked up because of my paralysis. For one thing, my legs are abnormally thin because of atrophy. How can you find something like that attractive?

  emanomaly: It's not that I'm pervin' on your legs, like I want to hump them or something. I see the whole package, the man who is shaped and made stronger by the disability. That's what I'm attracted to.

  Something clicked for Jay, like a burden had been lifted. She wasn't as creepy as he'd thought. In fact, what she said made sense, and it made his attraction to her easier to accept.

  There were other things he was curious about, though.

  Panhead: Are you attracted to all wheelers?

  emanomaly: God, no. A wheeler would still have to be the type of guy I would date, someone who's got a good personality, a sense of humor—someone I think is good-looking. There are plenty of wheelers I'm not attracted to.

  Panhead: Have you dated a lot?

  emanomaly: Wheelers? No. Just a few, and n
one of those relationships ended well. I think a lot of wheelers just want to use devs, or they say they're okay with devoteeism when deep down they're not. I'm done with wheelers. That's why I wanted to make it clear to you I'm not interested in anything other than friendship. Besides, I'm sort of dating someone.

  Jay had suspected as much, but getting confirmation made him feel like he'd suddenly swallowed a stone.

  Panhead: Is he a wheeler?

  emanomaly: No. Hello? Didn't I just say I was done with wheelers?

  Panhead: Oh, right. So, does this AB know you're a dev?

  emanomaly: Yes. We've known each other for a very long time. He just moved back to town. We went to high school together, dated through college.

  Panhead: He's okay with the dev thing?

  A long pause.

  emanomaly: He's had a hard time dealing with it in the past, but I told him I wasn't a dev anymore. I think it's sort of a don't-ask/don't-tell thing with him right now. We had the one “talk” about it. He seemed satisfied with what I told him, and it hasn't come up since.

  Panhead: Doesn't sound like a good way to start a relationship to me.

  emanomaly: It's probably not, but I'm not exactly one to do things the right way. I like to see just how much I can screw things up.

  Her self-deprecating humor made Jay smile.

  emanomaly: I haven't even invited him to my house yet. My new roommate is a guy and a wheeler (long story, and, no, I don't have the hots for him). I dread that whole thing—you know, them meeting each other.

  Panhead: Your boyfriend will be pissed?

  emanomaly: I think he might be freaked, even though I'm not into my roommate at all.

  Not at all? It wasn't like Erin hadn't made that clear to Jay's face, so why was it so disappointing?

  Panhead: Why would your boyfriend be threatened if your roommate's not even attractive?

  emanomaly: I didn't say my roommate wasn't attractive. Some people would probably think he's very good-looking.

  Jay raised his brows and smiled. Maybe all was not lost.

  emanomaly: But, for one thing, he's a blond. I'm not into blonds.

  And . . . nosedive. Jay felt like he was on a roller coaster. Nothing he could do about his hair color except dye it. For a second, he tried to picture himself with dark hair. Nope. Not gonna happen. He couldn't believe he'd considered it, even for a second. What was this girl doing to him?